I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
