My Higher Power is John Stamos
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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