she looked like the bat from fern gully.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
