I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
they need to just BURY HIM!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
