New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
