He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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