she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
