Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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