There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
