i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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