I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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