remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
