he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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