then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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