im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
