We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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