Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
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