when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
