you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
