phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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