What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
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