So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
