I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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