You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
