I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
