So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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