so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
