saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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