if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
