Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
