And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
