my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
