she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
