Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
