my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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