The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
