Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
