i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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