im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
