I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
