Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
