how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
