the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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