I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
