why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
