Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
