Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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