The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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