I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
