have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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